Dracona's Den
Well I've come back to Australia after my almost-2-year-overseas-adventure. Mostly because of my father's serious ill health and missing my daughter.  The better economic structure of Aust is a bonus even though in the last 2 months I haven't found a job.  Seems they want about 2-5yrs experience for each job I have qualifications for, but none will hire me to GET that experience. Very frustrating. And volunteer work will cost money to do their training courses...  

Unfortunately, on top of this, my brand spanking new husband (since last March) has had to stay behind in the UK until his visa application is approved. We are waiting and hoping for it's approval. I know we're not the only ones waiting, but it's so hard being apart when newly married! Ok granted we lived together for 14 months or thereabouts, but with limited internet as well it's been hard. 

He's my rock, my support I cling to, and not having him here is hard. I know people say we should be all independent, and I mostly am, but if you cannot lean on your spouse who the hell can you? We all need time when we're not the strong one, when we need down time and need someone else to keep the nasties from the door.  

With all the emphasis on independence and standing alone, I think that could be why we always DO feel alone. What ever happened to inter-dependence? I think when co-dependence came out everyone got so scared of the 'co-dependent big bad' that anything other than independence was seen as a nono. But you can stand alongside someone. Support them when they need it and vice versa. You don't need to play games, or be passive aggressive (ugh I hate that). It doesn't make you weak and it shouldn't be frowned upon. 

I think some people (probably me included!) have gone into some relationships determined to stay independent and resolute. To protect ourselves from future pain, or because of memories of past pain, or out of habit. No wonder we feel isolated in relationships. 

My lovely husband has patiently helped me through all that, and let me see in my own time that he is a safe place to fall. That he will have my back and I his.  While we can cope and interact independently, just knowing he has my back has led to me feeling more secure than probably ever before. 

Thank you honey.

I can't wait to show you Australia!
I've been thinking a bit lately, about the pursuit of happiness. A friend recommended The Happiness Trap and I haven't read it as yet. But some things I have been thinking about... 'happiness' as the world media portray it is unobtainable. It isn't human nature to just be in that blissful state. Even things that 'make' us happy, like drugs, alcohol, or chocolate... all have a time they stop working and we start to crave them again. 

Then I wonder... is it happiness we chase or just to be feeling good all the time? ie eating food, buying clothing, playing online games, whatever drug (legal or illegal) all can be addictive and mind numbing. So is it truly the happiness we want or the lack of thought? Of thinking where we are going? Of what pain might be needed to get us where we would ultimately like to be?

Today I had the thought (and this is from someone who will acknowledge she has done the mind numbing addictions of online games often) that... I bet those people who truly get somewhere didn't do this. That Richard Branson, Simon Cowell, Dick Smith (aussie), or any other giants in life, I would be willing to bet didn't care about numbing. That they grabbed hold of life, as painful as it is, and choked as much as they could out of it. They weren't afraid of pain or rejection. Or, probably more likely, they were afraid, but did it anyway. They kept their eye on the end result. 

Thing is, since I got here to England I'm not sure what my next aim is. Yes I want a good job in my chosen field, but the options there are too varied and massive to get a decisive focus. The saving to come here took me 7 years and that's my second best achievement (first is my amazing daughter, natch). Will I, with no foreseeable goal, descend back to the numbing pastimes that dominated so much of my life? I certainly hope not.

So my wish you you, and for me, is that we feel the fear, see the pain ahead, and do it anyway.




Sometimes we wonder what lies in our future. I know for a fact that a lot of the time when I look back on the past, there is a part of me that is very glad I DIDN'T know everything or else my courage to face what was ahead would have failed me. 

However that never seems to stop my impatience and desire to know what is around the corner. Part of it is perhaps to prepare myself better. Will I still be this broke in a few months? Should I spend or save what little I do have? (I still haven't got to Paris and my dad gave me some $ to go for my birthday... which was last month and I STILL haven't got there) Is there some way I could choose my future? To have even a good idea that this way will get a good ending, while that way won't be as good. Kinda like a 'make-them-yourself adventure books from my childhood. Which decision will get me to the 'good' ending? Where everyone is happy and all bills paid with enough left over for travel?

Oh well... perhaps this is the weird ramblings of someone who hasn't slept since yesterday and had a tough 11hr shift at work (which I did), or perhaps now is when I don't have the usual walls up. Probably both.

Just wish I knew which road has the happy ending...
New site, new hopes.... and I kinda like the way it looks ;)